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Episode 61/Transcript
Deandra: (singing) Here comes the poop. It's coming out of me. When I look down in the toilet what kind of poop will that poop be? (Jenna enters) Will it be green or will it be long? Will it be short or will it be strong? If I had wine then it will be black. Some poops take so very much time while others come right out of my butt. Some poops are really runny and gross while other poops look like little candy bars. Like little candy bars! Baby Ruth and Snickers too! The funny thing is that they are poop. (Jenna Dapananian knocks the door of Deandra's stall) Oh uh, excuse me, I didn't realize I had company. Jenna Dapananian: Oh my god, was that you singing? Deandra: What's that, was I, was I quite loud? Sorry, I kind of lose track when I'm in the zone. Jenna Dapananian: No. Wow! You've got like a real, like, Ke$ha kind of vibe! Deandra: Oh well, fuck you too. Jesus! Come into my fucking bathroom only to insult my fuckin— Jenna Dapananian: No, no, no. Ke$ha's a good thing! Deandra: Oh really? Clearly we're talking about different Ke$has then. Well, thank you I guess. Also sorry about the insults. I get kinda cranky after a good poop. Jenna Dapananian: Oh it's totally cool. Deandra: Oh yeah hey. I'm Deandra by the way, I'm new. Jenna Dapananian: Oh I know who you are Deandra! We were on the cheer squad together. Cheer Nationals, Daytona Beach. Then you became the star linebacker on the football team. Everybody knows Deandra. Deandra: Oh! And you! (beat) Hey you! Jenna Dapananian: Hey! Deandra: Hey! Jenna Dapananian: Hey! Deandra: Hey! Jenna Dapananian: Hey, do you have any of your songs up on Soundcloud? I would like love to have to them to listen to, like jam out just like while I'm at home, and like hang out... Deandra: Actually, I've never actually recorded any of my songs. They kind of just come to me in the moment you know— Jenna Dapananian: Well, um actually, I've got some friends with some real top-of-the-line recording equipment. What do you say we record some of your songs, put them out there, and who knows, like maybe people'll like them. Deandra: Alright, that sounds like a good idea um, uh, uh, uh— Jenna Dapananian: Jenna! Deandra: Jenna! Jenna Dapananian: Yeah! Deandra: That's the thing that I was gonna say! Jenna Dapananian: Jenna! Deandra: Yeah! Alright. Let's hit it! Oh, sorry, did you need to use the toilet— Jenna Dapananian: Oh no, no. I came in here, uh, it was this thing, uh, another, it was another reason, but it can totally wait. Do you need to wash your hands? Deandra: Nah. Jenna Dapananian: You sure? Deandra: Yeah. Judith: Hey, tune back in tomorrow. We will be talking about sports! Rachel: And tomorrow, Sister Mary Patricia from the Overland Park Animal Shelter is gonna be here with bunnies! Judith: Oh my god bunnies! Hippity hop! Rachel: Alright we'll see you tomorrow! Judith: Oh hey Jenna, sorry, I'm all out of Adderall. Jenna Dapananian: Oh no, I'm not here for that. I have a guy now. Um have you guys met Deandra? Rachel: Yeah, of course. She came over to my house for Thanksgiving! Deandra: Oh yeah that's right! It's you! Oh! And you too! Jenna Dapananian: Hey you guys, so I was wondering, Deandra here writes some pretty great songs, can you guys this equipment to record music too? Or is it just like, are they like, talking microphones? For just talking stuff? Judith: We've dabbled with that a few times. (flashback) I believe I can fly. Rachel: Think about it every night and day. I like bad bitches that's my fucking problem. Judith: Yeah I like to fuck and that's my fucking problem. Rachel: Must be the money. (present) Alright Deandra, let's go off the top here and lay down a track. Deandra: Alright... here am I in a room singing a song about some things. This is a microphone and it makes you sound louder! Judith: Um, Jenna, is this the sound that we're going for? Jenna Dapananian: You guys, trust me, she's got some real talent, yo. Rachel: Are you sure? Because right now, we're getting a whole lot of this: Deandra: Microphone cable connects to the microphone! Microphone cover covers the microphone! Judith: Okay Deandra, that's a great first take. How about uh—oh Jesus Christ, I don't know what the fuck else to tell her. Rachel: Do you have any other songs we can try? Deandra: Well, I don't really write songs per se, I kind of just sing about whatever's going on at the exact moment that I'm singing. For example, right now, I'm inside of a room that's got cork on the walls— Rachel: Ok, yeah, yeah, we got it. Just hold on one second. So where was she when she sounded good? Deandra: Oh poop, why are you stuck? Oh poop, why are you stuck? Judith: Oh god, oh Jesus, it smells so bad. Deandra: I need you to leave my butthole because I have a class— Jenna Dapananian: Yeah, this is the shit I'm talking about. Aw man! Rachel: Uh Jenna, Jenna, this is better but, um, it's not exactly what I would call good. Jenna Dapananian: Nah nah trust me, if we mix this right, and throw a sick beat on it, shit's gonna blow people's minds. Deandra: Get out of me poop! Get out of me poop! Judith: Oh god, I'm getting woozy, Rach. (Beat; Judith vomits) Jenna Dapananian: And there's the drop! Whoo! Rachel: Aw man, I wore sandals today. Shay: Alright everybody, pyramid formation go! Mackenzie: Shay, you can't make a pyramid with five people. Shay: Sure you can! Watch! (Sounds are heard of them attempting to make a pyramid off-screen, ending in them falling) Shay: Goddammit! Mackenzie: Without six people, we don't have anyone to be the pointy top of the pyramid. Shay: Well then we'll do without the pointy top. We'll make a different formation. We'll make a cheer mesa! Mackenzie: Who the fuck's ever heard of a cheer mesa? Shay: Well, I think it's gonna look amazing! Brittnay: I think it's gonna look like shit. Mackenzie: Brittnay! Are you here to re-join the cheer squad? Brittnay: Fuck no! I would rather dig up your dead grandfather, then jerk off his decomposed corpse dick until he cums in my mouth. Mackenzie: (beat) Wow. Alright, I deserved to hear that. Shay: I didn't. Brittnay: I've come here to tender my formal resignation from the Overland Park Cheer Squad. I do believe that that has to be done in person, yeah? Trisha: Yes, as per the bylaws, in order to officially resign, I'll need your W-5 Form, your I-26, two copies of your Social Security card and a formal letter of resignation. Brittnay: Yeah it's all right here. Trisa: Oh wonderful, alright, you've got it all bagged up here and oh yeah okay, everybody, this is poop. This is human poop. Mackenzie: Real classy Brittnay! So you're just gonna up and quit the cheer squad, huh?! Then what're you gonna do? Where are you gonna go? Face it, we're the only friends you have! Brittnay: Some friends, huh? You treat me like shit, you blow up my car, I'm done. Makcenzie: Oh you're done being a cheerleader? Brittnay: No. I'm done being your cheerleader. From here on out, I'm a free agent. A pom-pom for hire. You're looking at Brittnay Matthews: Mercenary Cheerleader. Saison: And I will join her! Brittnay: Wait, what? No, Saison go away. Saison: Brittnay is right! An injustice has been done! And I will not stand idly by while my friend is left alone. Brittnay: I'm not your friend! Saison: Brittnay, you do not have to stand alone anymore. Brittnay: No, stop, I want to stand alone. That's the point! Saison: We will stand together and form our own team! Brittnay: I don't want a team! Go stand over there with everyone else. Saison: Oh Brittnay, it will be so magnifique, we will be like Thelma and, how you say— Brittnay: Louise! No! Go stand over there with everyone else! I work alone! (she starts to walk away, but Saison chases after her) Stop it! Saison: Oui, stop oppressing Brittnay! Brittnay: No, you, stop following me! Saison: Oui, let us march in protest! Brittnay: Ahhhhh!!! Saison: A circle unbroken! Brittnay: Oh my god!!! Saison: Our voices shall be heard! La resistance! Brittnay: Oh my God, please stop! Mackenzie: Brittnay! I'm! Sorry! Look I get it! You're pissed. You wanna get back at me. Fine, here. Hit me. Go ahead! Get it all out. Brittnay: Alright. (She does) Mackenzie: Oh!! ...Son of a bitch! Alright, are we good? Brittnay: No! But I could get used to this. (Hits Shay) Shay: Ow! Fuck! Brittnay: (Brings her fist close to Trisha 2's face) Thin ice! Trisha 2: (nervously) Hahahaha! That's me! Hehe. Mackenzie: This is not gonna end well for you Brittnay! Brittnay: I know. This isn't going to end well for anyone. (She blows up a goalpost, which was rigged to try and fall on everybody but Trisha)